Are you being served? or Anything You Can Do, We Can Do Better

I think we might have the next British sitcom that is going to take America by storm here:
YouTube - A[von & ]S[omerset]Police's Channel.

Basically, they are loony British 911(999) calls about wasp attacks, run-over pigeons, homeless squirrels and so forth. You're going to have to click on several of the "videos," I fear. It is a good pastime on a hot afternoon, I tell you what.

The 999 operators are quintessentially British sitcom straight men: both polite and condescending all rolled up into one. The callers show that what we witness on previously mentioned British sticoms is a clear and accurate picture of humanity, complete with wacky accents.

Certainly American dispatch centers can top this, given our propensity to fire arms, family violence, beer, and incredibly wacky (and possible destructive) accents.

Ricky Gervais, eat your heart out.

I know you've been waiting for it...

The return of Dancing Brother Brigham!

This video actually made soon to be Canadian Melissa cry.

When disaster happens

Calling
Calling
Calling
Pause
Answer
Pause
I'm so sorry
Water
Rain
Roof
Disaster
Pause
Exageration
Pause
Water
Rain
Water
Rain
Pause
Disaster
Pause
Mold
Pause
Leave it at that
Good bye

Will Self on bottled water

Will Self explores bottled water insanity in The low water-mark of Thatcherism:

Any doubts I ever had were resolved years ago: 1994 to be precise.

In San Francisco, I found myself sitting in the Prescott Hotel, gazing by chance at a mirror which had a bottle of still mineral water standing in front of it. It was the first time I realised what Evian spelled backwards

Wilhelm Window Well Diorama #1: The Mummy's Revenge (The Ack-shawn!)

Wilhelm Window Well Diorama #1: The Mummy's Revenge (The Ack-shawn!)
Originally uploaded by Theorris

OK, there is a long story in this, but regular readers/viewers of signifyingnothing.com, may remember The Mummy's Revenge, a short movie of woe and intrigue starring Jesus, The Mummy, Billy Sand Creature, and Rancor Wilhelm. Basically The Mummy pissed off The Rancor, The Mummy prayed to Jesus to save him, and Billy Sand Creature was Jesus's second. There is a moving scene of Jesus carrying Billy, after he was slammed into death by The Rancor, before the final show down where Jesus, employing the full Heart of Jesus, puts a full salvation move on The Rancor complete with lightning bolts.

It was very sacrilegious and very offensive to both Christians and Star Wars faithful.

I might post it on YouTube someday.

This is a revival of the Wilhelm Window Well, that had gone to pot for a couple of years. It was revived by one hell of a hot Saturday and some free plants.

You can't wait for WWWD2, can you?

Delocator

A handy tool indeed: Delocator.

The (un)canny valley--for Sleepy E

Top Shelf Tequila Here I Come!

Arnica chamissonis
Originally uploaded by Theorris

I have been offered 400 pesos for this photograph of arnica chamissonis from a Mexican text book company. That is around $40 dollars U.S. since the dollar is officially in the crapper. (Did you know we are at parity with the Canadian dollar? Wow!) I am going to stimulate the Mexican economy and myself buy purchasing some top-shelf tequila.

Ok, ok...I know alcohol is technically a depressant, but writing "to stimulate the Mexican economy and to depress myself" just sounded sad and wrong.

Should I stimulate the economy even more?

Mr. Clock Radio Wakes Up the Horror.

Should I or shouldn't I? You decide.

Grains!

Clever, this:

How I'm stimulating the economy

Given that I finally received my "Economic Stimulus" payment (it says that right on the fancy Statue of Liberty emblazoned gubmint check), I have decided to spend it egregiously on items that I can no doubt live with out, but want, rather than using it for, oh, buying 150 gallons of gasoline. Given that I don't currently own a car, finding a place to put the gasoline seemed like too much work. Buying a new car seems like more work, and just about as exciting as root canal. With that, instead of suffering because of high fuel prices, I get to stimulate the economy in my own weird way.

Item 1: Official Utah Jazz away jersey with "Theorris" imprinted on the back. I chose the number 83 since that was my high school football number. I shall wear it disc golfing today.
Item 2: 3 new books, hardbound and all first editions. The Ten Most Beautiful Experiments by George Johnson. When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris. The Butt by Will Self. (I must note that Self's book is actually stimulating the British economy as I bought it from Amazon.uk, since the book is not out in the U.S. yet.) Now I'm a book buyer, that's for damn sure, but I rarely go to the extravagance of buying 3 hardbound books at once, especially one that I only bought out of impulse--the George Johnson book.
Item 3: JPG Magazine. I never buy magazines unless I'm on a long flight. I have been eying this magazine for some time, however, since it publishes amateur photographers (who are actually quite good.)
Item 4: La Crosse technology Weather Pro Center. Only a few before this purchase knew about my fascination with weather instruments.
Item 5: A pair of fancy Vasque hiking boots on sale at REI. Now that's extravagance.

I think I'll buy some expensive booze with what is left of the money.

So for once I get to live like the rich. Throwing my not-hard-earned money around like its going out of style.

I have been lost in this for an hour

Modern Living / Neurotica series

The Sustainability Question

The Sustainability Question
Originally uploaded by Theorris

Hot Hot Summer Hits

Speaking of Hightouchmegastore, last week she posted a play list (with appropriate commentary) of songs that seemed to fit June. Not to be out done, I've decided to go one better by posting a list (with appropriate commentary) of entire albums that represent the entire blazzing-hot summer. With that, there are three rules:

1. it must currently reside on my computer (who the hell actually listens to CDs any more?)
2. somewhere in the album the word "summer" must appear--either in a title of a song, or in the album title itself
3. I must have good reason for recommending this particular album to you (that is no namby-pamby "I like it" sort of explanations, and I will provide links to my Lastfm thing, so you may listen to selections, if they are available.

With that here's 5 albums for you to find for your summer pleasure:

The Four Corners, Say You're a Scream
It really is too bad that I can find no samples of Say You're a Scream. They are available on iTunes, ahem, if you are that kind of person. In any case, this album, complete with its garage-core earthiness, both represents the grittiness and the dreaminess of summer. Interspersed with hard-jamming rock tracks, you have songs that make you just want to float on a river and let the heat just slide right by you. Too bad the band went defunct back in the early 2000's. They only put out this one big album. It is a honking big one, complete with 15 songs for your summertime pleasure. Check out "Summer's Time" for a nice blend of the hard rocking and dreamy summeriness I mentioned earlier. I guess you can't go far wrong with a girl singer in the summertime. There is something Laika or My Bloody Valentine about this band but they don't quite have the wall of sound that both those bands had. Hmm. (Aha! Some scandalously accurate teens have listed them as "The Four Corners" and uploaded tracks. Go listen.)

Blonde Redhead, 23
While Blonde Redhead is generally a fall-kind-of-band, 23 has a decidedly upbeat feel to it, with plenty of summery vocals from yet another woman singer, Kazu Makino. The band's winding melodies drive like a 77 Camaro through a hot summer night. This is definitely night-time summer music, but summer music it is. Deep, dark water comes to mind. Again, there are no links available to the songs on 23 available to me, but I'm sure if you peck around you'll find a video or something.

Art Brut, It's a Bit Complicated
The sheer oddity and rocking good time of Art Brut makes them a fine, fine summer band. Art Brut is fun. Summer is fun. You should be having fun. Sadly, you won't be able to listen to It's a Bit Complicated because it is not available me to play. Find some, however, because you'll be impressed with the singer's delivery. (I think we've talked about that here before.) Hit! Hit! Direct hit! Art Bruts are you read?! Hold the presses! A video of Direct Hit is available! The I, Claudius theme seems appropriate to summer too. What's more summer than Italy? Rome? Intrigue?

Decemberists, The Crane Wife
Now some might argue that this album is not a summer album at all, but one better suited for the heart of deep winter. With a song, however, like "The Pefect Crime" and "Summersong" such a critic would be drastically disproved. "The Perfect Crime" is folk club music, complete with disco beat. You can just see the sweat dripping down the disco dancers backs. Go figure that a band that is known for it literary lyrics would create such a nice cross-over song. It is regretful that you will not be able to sample it, as it is not available to me to provide you. "Summersong," is much more like the sea shanties that one expects from the Decemberists, complete with accordion. There needs to be more rock music with accordions. Fuck the cowbell, go accordion. Ah well, I, again, have no sample to give you, but I can give you a nice lyric: "Summer goes away and quietly, gets swallowed by a whale." Peppery skin. Nice.

Pogues, Streams of Whiskey
This must be the most appropriate title for an album ever. This is a live recording of the Pogues and is an absolute train wreck both because of a crappy recording and because Shane MacGowan and everyone else is completely, flat-out shit-faced. Now that's summer! Woo hoo! Here is a slightly less inebriated version of "Summer in Siam." And as a side note: you know you have a drinking problem when you are thrown out of an Irish Celtic-folk-fushion-punk band because you drink too much (MacGowan).

There you go! 5 summertime albums for your summery enjoyment.

Crack open a beer and get to listening.


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Listening to: Yo La Tengo - Don't Have To Be Sad
via FoxyTunes

And now for the latest in Hightouchmegastore & Dr. Write news

Congratulations are in order for Hightouch who received Salt Lake City Mayor's Artist Award for Literary Arts last Friday at the Utah Arts Festival. I was unable to attend the ceremony because of pressing camping and disc golf needs. I did, however, apologize to Hightouch and promissed that I would crow about it here. I'm looking forward to reading the outcome of that 500 pages worth of poetry you printed out the other day.

Congratulations also go out to Dr. Write, as well, who had a reading that I was also unable to attend due to the same pressing camping and disc golf needs on Friday. I did see Dr. Write on Thrusday night at the Arts Festival. We discussed the possibility of a disc golf outing, that will no doubt be documented at Disc-a-rama, just like last week's outing. The good Dr. also ran the insane Wasatch Back race the previous weekend.

Avoid a fist-fight with this guy or the people you meet in the back of the bus

Avoid a fist-fight with this guy or the people you meet in the back of the bus
Originally uploaded by Theorris

I was on the bus this morning, and sat in the back, as is my wont, across from "Walt" (so said his name badge.) Walt was asleep. He had one be-ringed hand gripped firmly on the side-ways seat back (pictured) and the other on his knee. He's a big guy in honest-to-god overalls, a plant manager (q.v. the name badge) and likes to wear lots of wizardly icons, both those pictured and those not. I assume he must be at least a level 57 wizard in D&D, and maybe some other level in Myst, if I knew what Myst was.

I would have liked to talk to Walt to find out what was really up with all the wizardly bling, but he slept the entire way to my stop, so I didn't have a chance to talk to him. His shaved head and quasi-wizard goatee no doubt would put some people off.

Entry for JM Bell's button contest

Here is my entry for JM Bell's contest to remake the Utah Republican Party button in a more realistic fashion:



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Listening to: Wilco - Summer Teeth
via FoxyTunes

Dude! your web site sucks, but is relatively fantastic! or Failing the Turing Test with your pals from North Salt Lake

In seeking out information on whether Redman Campground here in Utah up Big Cottonwood Canyon was open or not, my friend discovered this gem (also known as crap) in the Internet's tubes: Redman Campground - Wasatch-Cache National Forest, Utah. (Note the map puts the camp ground in downtown Salt Lake, right where the First Security building is instead of up Big Cottonwood canyon. It must be fun to camp at a bank.)

I have no idea who wrote this page but I have a pretty good idea how they did it. For those of you who don't want to follow the link, here is a sampling of the fun:

This campground is a good place to go to. A journey to Jordan River State Park when you're here at Redman Campground is a pleasant idea; an afternoon playing golf at Old Mill Golf Course is always a bliss. Ok, you've been cooped up for too much time, you need to get out of the house, and Redman Campground in Utah is a magnificent site to go. You can run the rapids of Jordan River next to Redman Campground, and Mormon Pioneer National Historic Trail is one of the destinations that are great to stop at close by.

All of the things it mentions are miles away out of the canyon. Since when does the placid Jordan River have white water? Just in case they were referring to the creek that runs by Redman, I doubt many people shoot the rapids of the mighty Big Cottonwood CREEK, given that it is about 3 feet deep at the height of spring runoff, and the rocks in it would bash any kayak to bits. I suppose some adventuresome soul who wished to no longer own a kayak could give it a try, and perhaps has.

The author is obsessed with golfing too, with at least 5 golf courses mentioned (all of them within easy walking distance, if you have two days to spare).

Here is my favorite statement: "The caring personnel and all the exciting stuff to do are relatively fantastic." Relatively fantastic? Relative to what? KOA? Also, what do the caring personnel have to do with the extravagant amount of things to do in the entire state of Utah?

The above sentence is followed closely by my second favorite statement "...at Redman Campground you always meet someone from North Salt Lake. A lot of fun is at this campground." It is well-known here in Utah that the people of North Salt Lake are the funnest people to camp with. It has something to do with the refinery and the open gravel pit.

And speaking of relativity: "You'll wish for more hours in a day to enjoy all the enjoyable things at Redman Campground. City Creek Canyon is a good place to spend some time at, and great skiing awaits you at Snowbird." What the hell? City Creek Canyon is 12 miles away from Redman, and Snowbird is up the other canyon. Now that would be a fun hike! You get to dodge traffic and you will enjoy doing it. I know I enjoy doing enjoyable things.

Yet, perhaps you won't have to worry about spending a lot of time wandering around, since it seems that Redman Campground gives you the ability to bend space and time! After all, you can apparently gaze at the wonders of Ensign Peak from there. The eleven thousand foot tall Wasatch Mountains between cannot block your view of a six thousand foot mountain 20 miles away. Einstein would be proud of the gravity well that is Redman Campground.

My friend thinks this page was written by a drunken Korean child. I however, believe it was written by a computer program (most likely drunken) pulling out declarative sentences from other web sites in order to bump their Google Adsense revenue. The more keywords (like golf or hiking or camping) you mention, the more hits you are likely to get on a Google search, and then your advertisements on that page pay off through impressions and (no doubt) click throughs.

Well the program failed the Turing Test, but it sure gave me a good laugh.

You should look at their other campground descriptions. You might enjoy a "spree", for example, in Smith & Morehouse (a particularly beautiful canyon in the Uinta Mountains 75 miles away from Salt Lake City), with, you guessed it, your old pals from North Salt Lake. Apparently they esteem Smith & Morehouse especially.

New lens!

New lens!
Originally uploaded by Theorris

In honor of the anniversary of the marriage of me and my Nikon D40, I bought it a new lens. It is a AF-S DX VR Zoom-NIKKOR 55-200 f/4-5.6 G IF-ED (say that 3 times fast). I honor of the event, I took a picture of the same subject as the first picture with the D40 itself: the spine out in front of my house sculpted by buddy Catinlap. (I was probably 10 feet away from it when taking this.)
Here is the first-ever image taken with my D40:

I, Libertine

As we come up to the Forth of July*, I have to state that Jean Sheppard was indeed brilliant: WFMU's Beware of the Blog: The I, Libertine Hoax. May he rest in peace.

*One of Sheppard's works was the "Great American Forth of July and Other Disasters."

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Listening to: The Flaming Lips - Bad Days (Aurally Excited Version)
via FoxyTunes

Imge Fulgurator

This fascinating device Imge Fulgurator manipulates the reality of people's snapshots. Basically it detects another camera's flash and puts whatever image or text the prankster (or artist) chooses. Watch the video if you don't understand German. It will make sense.

Go Reusable

How happy and friendly is that little globe-bag-thingy with its happy arms? Come on, go reusable!

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Listening to: Siouxsie & the Banshees - Cities In Dust
via FoxyTunes

One little plastic bag

Remember a couple of years ago the news story about the gynormous raft of plastic in the Pacific? Apparently it has reached the size of Texas: Greenpeace | Pacific trash vortex showing drift of ocean pollution.

Grist for the mill

1. Here is an excellent primer on how to talk to a climate change skeptic: Gristmill: The environmental news blog. Sometimes I fear, however, that it is a losing battle.
2. Since gas has hit an all-time-high in our Pretty, Great State [TM], ridership on mass transit seems to have quadrupled. I have no reliable counts, but from anecdotal evidence, I have seen my regular route overflowing with new riders. This is particularly interesting since I was usually one of 5 people in the southbound TRAX car just a year ago. The northbound trains have always been packed in the morning, of course, but this is a first for the southbound trains. The high gas prices are the cause of this (and I have no doubts on that). I would hope, however, that people will maintain this behavior after the current gas crisis is over. Yes, gas prices will fluctuate as they always do.
3. Anecdotal side-benefits noted because of the gas crisis:

• Fewer teens & twenty somethings blaring down my street at ungodly hours.
• More teens & twenty somethings on bikes having inappropriate conversations and offending little old ladies walking down the street.
• Despite 2 red alert air quality days, we can still see the mountains. This is highly unusual in a high pressure inversion.
• More people realizing that 10 minutes is not much to sacrifice for mass transit when you come down to it.
• More people realizing that you don't have to drive to the grocery store that is just up the street.

You're great!

You should participate in this: Waterstone's - What's Your Story?

World's Tackiest Tee Shirt

World's Tackiest Tee Shirt
Originally uploaded by Theorris

If it isn't the tackiest, it certainly is the ugliest. It would fit right into my collection. I would have bought it, but I didn't want to encourage them.

If this keeps up, I'm going to get a big head

KUER (90.1 on your FM dial) is using one of my pictures for a online news story about the SLC Farmer's Market: The Case for the Independent Farm (2008-06-13). The Market starts up this weekend. I think I'll head down, if I can pry my sorry ass out of bed, that is.

My hometown does it again

I certainly am not going to have my precious (a.k.a Signifying nothing) become derivative of my home town, and its many problems, but here we go again: Salt Blog: The Daily Feed From City Weekly: Obama Sock Monkeys: Racist or Just Cuddly?

So I have to put up with Chris Buttars and that shit?

Christ.

That's it: everyone out. I and my family were there first. You lot get the hell out.

Vengeance is mine sayeth Red Auerbach

Game 4 of 2008 NBA finals might be one of the best Celtic games I've seen since the era of Bird. All I have to say to the cursed ABC announcers who officially called that it would be 2 and 2 at the end of this game is would you like a nice Cabernet to go with that crow you've got to eat?

Again it was all Kobe and what a great "team" player he is. Aside from a 5 minute love-fest for Odom (who admittedly did have a great first half) and a minor affair with Azira or whatever the hell his name is, the man-crush for Kobe continued amongst the ABC announcing crew. I refuse to even name them, their partisanship disgusts me so. Why was Kobe a "team" player tonight? He wasn't scoring worth shit, that's why.

Best player ever? My ass.

The consensus at the Wilhelm is that the Jazz, of course, could easily take the Celtics, despite their stellar play. It is a hard one for me, as I was a Celtics fan before the Jazz came along to Utah, and would still bleed green if you cut me at this time of year.

In the name of Bill Lambier, amen.
______________________________________________________________

Note 1--another post considered while watching the game if the Lakers had pulled it off:
The Lakers have officially changed their name to the Los Angeles Kobes, at the insistence of the ABC announcers.

Note 2 to Kobe--welcome to the MVP curse, baby.

Note 3--Celtics in 5.